The past few months have not been easy. I thought I had found the one person who would stick by me through anything but I was wrong. He ran. I was conflicted after, trying to make sense of the mess he left behind.
At first I blamed him because it was easy, but one day I realized I was just as afraid as him, afraid of commitment, afraid to have someone I love so much abandon me. I may have not run from the relationship but I let my fears get between us. I wasn’t forth coming about how I really felt and what I wanted. And like all my other relationships, I had a hard time communicating when I really needed him.
Suddenly my anger toward him, but also toward myself, turned to compassion and then to forgiveness. I began to see my life clearer. I saw how my fears had gotten in the way of what I had really wanted in life. Why couldn’t I tell him how much I loved him and how much he meant to me everyday? Why couldn’t I be honest about what I wanted with him or anyone else in my life? Why couldn’t I allow myself to have what I wanted?
It was because of fear. I spent so long silencing my needs and wants because I was afraid I couldn’t have them or that once I did, I would lose them. I was afraid I wasn’t good enough so I was servicing the needs and wants of others instead, and I was resisting and pushing away all the good things that came into my life. I was determined to stop living life that way. I had to change.
There was only one major hurdle if I wanted this change. I had to address the one relationship in my life that impacted all my other relationships and was the main reason I had trouble being happy and allowing love in my life. I had to talk to my mother.
I pushed this off telling myself I had time. Some days I would forget about it and other days I would plan on calling her the next day. Then came the day I never imagined would come when I realized that the days I had left to say all the things I wanted to her were limited.
This leads me to the real reason I’m writing this post. Recently I found out my mom is dying of advanced liver cancer. I have since spoken to my mom but without the past few months I wouldn’t have the courage to be honest with her let alone during this time. I would have kept it to myself because she is sick, and I would have regretted it. I definitely wouldn’t have had the courage to write the personal letter to my mom I have added below or even shared it. So here it goes…
Dear Mom,
Over the past two years we have barely spoken or seen each other, and I know that this hurt you. What I didn’t have the strength to tell you at the time was that somewhere inside I still believed there was hope to mend our relationship one day, but for that to happen I needed you to get help from a mental health professional. I just chose not to tell you this because I didn’t want to deal with the frustration I have continued to feel over the years of feeling as though nothing I ever say gets through to you. So I chose for silence to communicate this to you, and that was my mistake.
But now you are dying. The time I always thought we had to fix our relationship is coming to an end. Your life is so unfinished, and I am sad. I am sad that you will never see one of us get married. I am sad you won’t get to meet your grandchildren. I mourn for you but I also mourn for us. I mourn the time we and our children will miss with you. And I mourn that the time we all had to rebuild our relationship with you is gone. But I am thankful to God that you didn’t suddenly die, and that we have been given a short amount of time to cherish with each other.
I want to spend all the time we have left together being courageous. The day we met with the oncologist I wanted to cry when she told us your diagnosis but I didn’t want to make the room awkward or you sad. I wanted to be strong but I was wrong. I was afraid to show emotion and that I cared. What I realize is that I should have cried and held you and told you how much I love you and that I don’t want you to die. That was the strong thing to do. I want us to find the strength within ourselves to spend whatever time we have left not holding back and loving each other to our fullest. I want us to break this pattern of resisting the love we have around us because we are afraid and feel like no one loves us. And I want you to finally allow yourself to see and receive the love around you that has always been there. You are so loved.
Mom, I can’t even imagine how afraid you are. You can’t even sleep without the light on. I want you to know I’m afraid too. I’m afraid you won’t let us take care of you. I’m afraid of seeing how much pain you’ll be in. I’m afraid of watching you die. I’m afraid of you dying alone. I’m afraid of being the only person with you when you die. I’m afraid of how I will feel when you die. I’m afraid that one day I’m going to need you and you’re not there.
I love you so much, and I can’t even imagine a world where you are no longer living. But my one wish for you through all this is to die peacefully knowing how loved you are.
Oh, Francesca, I cried all through this. I hope your Mom gets to read it. When your Mom was diagnosed, one of my first prayers was for reconciliation between you all and your Mom. No Mom is perfect… you don’t really know that until you are a Mom yourself. You know that my relationship with your Grandma was difficult but it was when Caleb was born that I began to forgive her, realizing that your Grandma did as best as she could with what she knew and what she had. But it wasn’t until she was diagnosed with mental illness late in life that I completely forgave her. She had always been weak to me but I saw for the first time how truly courageous she was to daily fight the voices in her head and be functional. In her own way, she loved me so much. Those last few years, I truly enjoyed her as my mother and my friend. Today, I miss your Grandma so much but I am grateful that I forgave her when I did and that we were able to spend the last few years of her life in friendship. She died so suddenly and I never had the chance to tell her one more time that I loved her. I am so grateful you get that opportunity. I love you all so much! Thank you for these courageous words.❤