Friends come and go. I learned this from a young age. Blessed with being an extrovert I always had friends regardless of the fact that I went to five different elementary schools. Growing up my mom isolated us from our friends at school. She wanted us to focus on our education because she feared we would stray and be influenced to become gangsters, drug addicts, or to marry young.
I didn’t know how to be a good friend based on my upbringing and it was magnified by my last relationship. Once in college I had the freedom to be a good friend, but my ex boyfriend consumed my life, so when we broke up I was lucky my friends had not deserted me. My older sister had made a comment that I didn’t have any friends of my own which hit me hard. She was right. We are 11 months apart in age and most of my college friends were through her. The reality was that she was the one who had maintained those friendships and I was an extension of her so by default friends with them. I did not put effort outside of convenience into any friendships and even ones outside that circle.
Why was this? I realized it was the toxic nature of my last relationship that caused me to be a horrible friend. I was not there for my friends and at the time, I was ok with this because I was with my ex. He was my best friend. Truth was that I needed my friends. I rarely opened up to them about my personal life and maybe, if I did, I wouldn’t have stayed so long in my last relationship. He was controlling. I did not recognize this until after our breakup. On numerous occasions I had to cancel on friends because he would start an argument with me. At the time I didn’t realize he was controlling and isolating me from people who loved me, but that’s what abusers do.
I don’t remember what triggered this, but there was a day after my breakup I realized I needed to be a better friend. After everything that happened and how fortunate I was to even have friends, I knew I could do better. That day I vowed to be a better friend and show up when I said I would. I would no longer flake.
This changed my life. I truly believe in following through on commitments I make regardless of how insignificant it is or if it is with a friend or someone I barely know. I expected my ex to have integrity and yet I had not followed through with commitments or just being a good friend while I was with him. If I say something now, I am going to follow through majority of the time. I’m not saying it is easy and that I follow through 100% of the time or legitimate things don’t come up. The point is I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I didn’t want to be defined by my ex and this was one thing I knew I could do.
My friends were amazing after my breakup. They listened to me and came to see me whenever they could. They drove from Milwaukee almost every weekend to go out with me. We didn’t need to talk about my ex or what I was going through. We just had fun. We laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. We made memories. Even through the heartache that followed for almost a year after the breakup, they managed to keep me smiling. I recall driving home from work one day and all I did was smile. It was the happiest that I had been in a long time. My friends did that for me. They didn’t do anything special. They were just there.
They got me to love life again. I had held back from enjoying myself because I was always the responsible one in my last relationship. There were so many times I had take care of him while he was wasted. If I were having too much fun, he would get upset or make comments about how loud I was or the fact that I was slurring my words, which did not happen often. My best friend said to me at her first birthday party after my breakup that she liked how much more fun I was now. My ex made me not fun. How sad is that?
I love my friendships. They have become a huge part of my life. We travel and vacation together. We just love each other like family. None of this would be possible if I hadn’t become a better friend. I know if were still with my ex that I would not be as close as I am to my friends today. I would not have made the friends that I have now. I would have still been that extrovert who made friends out of convenience and not for a lifetime.
So what was the final outcome in this changed behavior? My friends are always there for me. I hear time after time about how people aren’t being good friends to them and honestly it starts with you. Have you been a good friend? Friends are there for one another through thick and thin no matter what they are going through. They are honest with one another and they do not judge each other. We aren’t perfect. We are human. The most simple part is to just be present and show up.
Recently, I found myself home alone on a Saturday night. I felt depressed. Anyone who knows me knows it is unlike me not to be doing something on a Saturday night. I decided to reach out to two friends and didn’t expect a response. Within minutes they responded and unexpectedly another friend texted me. They lifted me up when they didn’t even know it. I felt so loved and this reaffirmed why friendships are so important.
I want give a special thank you to three ladies: Nicole, Sarah, and Holly. You did more for me than you will ever know. Thank you for just being present when I needed you the most. I will always remember all the times you came to hangout with me. You made me laugh and learn to love life again. Love you.